YOUbeQB

The old standy - cheeseburger between two Krispy Kreme donuts?

Or the new concept of putting a hamburger between two grilled cheese sandwiches - aka ‘The Fatty Melt‘?

I think my aortic valves just skipped a few beats. Do you think, if you order one of those, that you get a complimentary angioplasty on the side? Sort of like a condiment?

—JohnnyU

Exhibits 12 through 29, inclusive:

Are those TEDDY BEARS on his shoulders?!  Toughhhh…

OOOOF-AAHH…

Very nice inflatable Motorola headset. Nice touch…

I sized this one down quite a bit. For obvious reasons.

Alice Cooper??

“And a second set of these amazing Blu Blocker sunglasses can be yours for the low, low price of just three easy payments of $19.95.”

This guy’s not just pissed that the Raiders lost (again), but that he has to go back to his regular life and he’ll still have a black-and-silver mohawk.

The next ATTRACTIVE female Raider fan I see, will be the first.

Case in freakin’ point.

Time to clean out my Random Tickler File - of those odds and ends that I don’t know where else to put them.

1. BRAIN PIERCING?

They drill small holes in your scull, then pass a metal (gold or silver) ring through them. The trick is that the ring presses the brain tissue and invokes euphoria. The whole procedure is carried under an anesthesia and after the ring is passed, it does not cause any pain.

So they will cut you hair first, then bore in your scull two tiny foramens with a drill, then drag the ring through them with the bent needle. The foramens will be done on your nucha - there is an especially sensitive range of a brain. The ring will easily massage it and keep you in the state of euphoria. The only problem you can face is that you will have to try hard to find a piercer. There are very few persons capable. And the price is $1000 for the whole procedure.

(OK, now I understand HOW, and HOW MUCH. What I don’t understand is WHY?!  Euphoria is not an acceptable answer.)

2. HAMBURGER FROM MCDONALDS BOUGHT IN 1996 STILL IN GOOD SHAPE?

Taken from a nutritionist’s website (click here):

This is a hamburger from McDonalds that I purchased in 1996.

That was 12 years ago.

Note that it looks exactly like it did the very day I bought it.

The flecks on the burger are crumbs from the bun.

The burger is starting to crumble a bit.

It has the oddest smell.

The paper and bag in the backround is circa 2008 - to add decor to the photo. My friend Robyn’s idea.

This reminds me of the documentary ‘Super Size Me‘, where the guy eats nothing by McDonalds food for thirty days straight - when I watched the DVD, there were some deleted scenes in which Morgan Spurlock put some various different McDonalds food into separate large glass display jars and then sealed the tops and left them there for weeks.

The weird thing is that the sandwiches got very moldy, but no matter how long they were left, the french fries never changed even the tiniest bit. Can you spell preservatives?

3. AWESOME PHOTO THAT I HOPE IS REAL

4. SOUR DEATH BALLS

What would happen if you gave people the sourest candy in the world, and then told them they had to keep it in their mouths as long as they could possibly stand?

I believe the phrase is, “Hilarity ensues.”

If this doesn’t get you fired up, nothing will…

JaMarcus Russell may not be a solid NFL quarterback yet, but the guy sure is a moose – his arm is nothing short of spectacular. In that game against the Chargers, there was a play that won’t show up in any stat sheets, since it was nothing but an incomplete pass to Jonny Lee Higgins – but JaMarcus was being chased in the pocket, and Higgins was on a straight go-route. In trouble, the QB threw across his body with his momentum carrying him the wrong way and the ball went 60-70 yards, easily. Truly amazing sight.

Lane Kiffin has been on the hot seat for a while now, and now it looks like Scott Linehan of the Rams might be fired as soon as Monday. Did you know that the last time an NFL coach was fired this early in a season? It was 19 years ago, when Al Davis kicked Mike Shanahan to the curb when the Raiders started 1-3 in 1989.

This just in: Terrell Owens - Clubhouse Cancer… He’s Back!  That’s right T.O. is complaining - what a shock.

“There were some opportunities there, and there were some opportunities there where they were holding and the refs just didn’t call it. You can’t blame the refs; we just didn’t make the plays.

“Everybody recognized that I wasn’t really getting the ball in the first half,” Owens said. “I’m pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn’t quit. I kept fighting and trying to running my routes and trying to get open.”

When asked if the ball was thrown his way often enough, Owens said: “I would say no. I’m a competitor, and I want the ball.”

What was the horrible neglect that Owens suffered on Sunday? He was thrown the ball a whopping *18* times, of which he caught 7, scored a TD, and was given two rushing carries to top it off.

Hey, T.O. - wake up. Hell, BARRY BONDS thinks you’re a bad teammate. Knock it off, buddy.

Word out of Green Bay is that the team has already put in a call to retired QB Daunte Culpepper, since Aaron Rodgers may have separated his shoulder on Sunday.

No need to contact an agent, since Culpepper acts as his own agent, which may have contributed to his current situation. After all, he retired in a huff before the season, claiming that no team would sign him - conveniently ignoring the three different contract offers he had gotten; but since all of those were backup positions, he wasn’t interested.

Did you know that Joe Flacco is only the third rookie since 1970 to quarterback his team to victories in his first two games?

So he’s in some pretty rare company.

The good news? One of them was John Elway.

The bad news? The other one was Ryan Leaf.

The Chiefs are the first team since 1960 to start three different quarterbacks in their first three games. That Herm Edwards is a genius. He sure has the problem pegged.

Speaking of geniuses pegging the problem, how about Rams head coach Scott Linehan benching Marc Bulger?! Yeah, it’s Bulger’s fault that your defense is allowing more than 456 yards per game, and has given up 116 points in three games (38.7 avg/game). Both of those marks are historically bad, and we may be looking at the worst NFL defense ever assembled. Bulger is probably *relieved* that he doesn’t have to captain that sinking ship any more.

<excerpted from ESQUIRE magazine>:

by Debi Mazar

1. We do care about the story of your life, just not spelled out in ink across your chest.

2. When you call us a bitch, we take it to mean strong, opinionated, and sassy. When you call us the c-word, you better cross the street.

3. Always buy a card.

4. We’re just getting used to the idea of you getting manicures. We’ll never get used to the idea of buffed-to-shine fingernails.

5. Lose the boxer shorts every once in a while and treat us to some Calvin Klein boxer briefs. We’ll make it worth the couple thousand sperm you kill.

6. The balding thing: It’s really not a big deal. If we loved men more or less based on the state of their hair, we’d all have become lesbians in the eighties.

7. We’re not okay with you poking other women on Facebook.

8. If you are poking other women, it better be on Facebook.

9. No matter how close you think we’ve become, it’s never appropriate to announce the current stage of our menstrual cycle.

10. We know about the porn in your sock drawer, and we’re okay with it. If we weren’t, it would have disappeared by now.

• The April 2004 issue of Southern Living magazine had an unusually explosive feature: the icebox dinner roll. Step one of the recipe called for boiling one cup of water and a half-cup of shortening over high heat for five minutes. Obviously they hadn’t tested it themselves: The result was a bubbling concoction of melted fat that erupted on stovetops, injuring at least five Southern Living readers, including one who needed treatment for burns. John Olson, a food scientist at rival Cook’s Illustrated magazine, who tried the recipe, calls the mixture ‘like napalm.’ The magazine issued the first product recall in its nearly 40-year history, asking distributors to yank copies of the issue from newsstands.

• Police in Hillsborough, North Carolina, responded to a call from a bank about a man who was acting suspiciously. Capt. Dexter Davis confronted the man and asked if he had a weapon. ‘He pulled his book bag off his shoulders, opened the bag up and held it open to me to show he didn’t have a gun,’ Davis said. When Davis looked inside, there was a note in clear view. It read, ‘I want $10,000 in $100 bills. Don’t push no buttons, or I’ll shot you.’ Davis laughed out loud, and then arrested Christopher Fields (who also was carrying a 10-inch knife) and turned him over to the FBI.

• While on vacation in Orange Beach, Alabama, Mark Waters accidentally locked himself out of his condo. His solution: Go through his neighbor’s apartment, climb out the window, scale the balcony, leap next door onto his balcony, and climb in his own window. The only problem: The condos were on the 14th floor. While he was climbing out of his neighbor’s window, Waters slipped and fell. Miraculously, he survived: He landed in the condo swimming pool below, suffering only a few broken ribs and a collapsed lung.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Here’s what I learned on Saturday and Sunday:

• Ronnie Brown’s knee seems like it’s back to normal, hmm? (responsible for all 5 Dolphins TDs in their huge upset win over New England).

• I guess the spread offense CAN work in the pros (Dolphins again - four of Brown’s TDs came on a direct snap)
• For the first time in five years, Joe Paterno pulls ahead of Bobby Bowden as college football’s all-time winningest coach, 376-375.
• Break up Vanderbilt! For years the weakest football team in the nation’s strongest conference, Vandy is now 4-0 and are ranked #21 in the country in the latest AP poll - the first time in 24 years that the school has been ranked.  That was 1984, when they also started 4-0, but finished with an overall record of 5-6 that year. The last time they *finished* with a winning record was 1982, when they won 8 and lost 4.
  

• You CAN get away with punching your teammate. As long as you’re the Rutgers starting QB, Mike Teel, and not the sophomore backup DB.

• Al Davis might be the worst boss, EVER. He has been letting Lane Kiffin twist in the wind for well over six months, since Davis wanted Kiffin to resign in the OFFSEASON. Now comes word that Davis plans to fire him imminently. I think the only reason the crusty old Raiders owner hasn’t fired him yet is that he’s too damn cheap, and having to pay Kiffin his salary when he’s not working is akin to Davis not wearing gaudy track suits and women’s glasses - he just can’t imagine it.

The Sultan of Brunei has some dough, that much is clear. Even though Brunei is one of the smallest countries in the world, a lot of dinosaurs laid down and died there back in the prehistoric days - so there’s a lot of oil underneath that zip code.

So, the Sultan (real name: Hassanal Bolkiah) has decided to make sure there’s a need for all that oil - he buys up cars like Mike Tyson in his heyday. It was once estimated that he has between 3,000 and 6,000 cars.

Read that last sentence again - dude has so many cars that they can’t even get the estimate to the nearest THOUSAND.

Check out this article, which has some pictures inside the garage(s) of the Sultan.

You can also check out his private airplane by clicking here.

Excerpted from Wikipedia:

The Sultan is famous for his vast automobile collection. In 1998, the British car magazine Autocar published undercover photographs of the Sultan’s cars, which included unique modifications of Ferraris and Bentleys. It has been said that he has at least 3,000 to 6,000 cars and has bought over U.S.$4 billion worth of cars. The number purchased by his business interests and the number actually used by himself and his family differ greatly. According to Guinness World Records the Sultan’s personal private collection has 500 Rolls-Royces — the largest collection of that marque in the world. During the 1990s, his family accounted for almost half of all Rolls-Royce purchases, bulk buying slightly modified vehicles for diplomats and adding unique cars to their own collection. He also owns the very last Rolls-Royce Phantom VI, a 1992 state landaulette. Among his collection are the Porsche Carrera GT, Lamborghini Diablo Jota, Porsche 959, Bugatti EB110, Lamborghini Murcielago LP640, Maybach 62, Jaguar XJR-15 and six Dauer 962’s. He is also the owner of six models of the Ferrari FX, the original red show model of the Bentley Continental R, two fully operational versions of the Ferrari Mythos concept car, both of the Ferrari 456 GT Sedans, the only right hand drive Mercedes-Benz CLK-GTR in the world, five McLaren F1’s including both black LM models and three Cizeta-Moroder V16T cars. He also possesses a Formula One car as driven by every Formula 1 World Drivers Champion since the 1980 Formula One season, particularly the ones driven in the last race for each season. A prime example of this is Jacques Villeneuve’s Williams FW19 which still bears the collision damage courtesy of Michael Schumacher in the 1997 European Grand Prix.

He has a special interest in buying one-of-a-kind concept cars, including the Bentley Java and Bentley Dominator 4×4, whilst leaving slightly more common race cars such as the Aston Martin AM3 or the modified Mercedes-Benz 300SL to his brother Jefri. The collection of vehicles was for the most part stored and serviced in five aircraft hangars, where specialist teams from the various manufacturers would maintain the collection.

The Daily Mirror (UK) reported on October 26, 2007 that the Sultan owned 531 Mercedes-Benzes, 367 Ferraris, 362 Bentleys, 185 BMWs, 177 Jaguars, 160 Porsches, 130 Rolls-Royces, and 20 Lamborghinis .

Ferrari Mythos Concept Super Car

He seems to really like STATION WAGONS, for some odd reason - so he has one-of-a-kind Ferrari station wagons, Bentley station wagons, you name it.

BENTLEY STATION WAGON

FERRARI STATION WAGON

(Better get one in yellow, just to be safe)

ROLLS-ROYCE STATION WAGON

ROLLS-ROYCE PICKUP TRUCK?

FERRARI FOUR-DOOR SEDAN?

And finally a couple pics of the Sultan’s pad. The largest private residence in the world - a modest 2.2 million square feet.

What, no guest house?